


reticent

by airedis



Series: quiet verse [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Asexual Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 07:51:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3012065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airedis/pseuds/airedis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taekwoon's world exists in quiet moments</p>
            </blockquote>





	reticent

He wears his headphones in the car to get away from the noise. There's so much happening around him all the time, so loud and frantic, and with the few hours of sleep they get every night it's too much to handle. At least this way, with the music blocking out their chatter, he can get a few more minutes of rest. Until someone shakes him - and they file out of the car to be pushed around and passed off in a dressing room somewhere.

-

When they ask what his ideal type is he's able to get out of the question with a vague, "the first impression is important". He doesn't bring up what kind of person or what kind of impression because that's really none of their business. Besides, he's not really sure he has a proper answer for that.

He's still thinking about it when they get back to the dorm late that night. He's thinking about it as they eat dinner and he's thinking about it as he gets ready for bed. One time Jaehwan had jokingly called him "astronaut Jung Taekwoon" because he's so quiet and he's always in his head, always staring off into another world. "A space case" he'd said while laughing, and Taekwoon can hear them whispering it to each other in the other room as he brushes his teeth. He's still thinking about the question as he lays down to sleep and he's no closer to an answer now than he was then.

-

It's difficult to stay with them sometimes. They're so loud, this nonstop stream of words and shouting and general noise just to fill up the silence. Taekwoon thinks that Jaehwan and Hakyeon are afraid of the silence, so instead they make sure that they never stop making noise so that they won't have to hear it. The worst is at night, when they've had a little time to rest and they're not so tired. Hakyeon and Jaehwan have their futons next to each other, so the room is filled with near constant sound, joking and laughing and whining and talking, talking, talking. Sometimes he wishes he shared a room with Wonsik who just sleeps whenever they're home - that way he wouldn't have to hear noise all the time.

Hongbin is somehow already asleep and Taekwoon takes his frustration out by chucking a pillow at Jaehwan's face. It hits him on the side of the head and he and Hakyeon stop for a second. Taekwoon has already buried his head in his arms, his back turned to them and his eyes clenched shut tightly. He can feel Jaehwan replace the pillow next to his head gently and then the lights are clicked off and it's finally quiet again. Taekwoon's ears are ringing with the silence and he releases a breath of tired relief.

In the morning, he wakes up and the room is empty. He rolls over onto his back and stares sleepily up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of Hakyeon cooking breakfast in the kitchen. He can hear Sanghyuk and Hongbin talking quietly over the soft hum of the television and the rapid fire tapping of Wonsik's fingers over the keyboard of his laptop. Jaehwan is singing in the shower and Taekwoon closes his eyes and tries to go back to sleep.

-

Hakyeon finds him huddled in the corner, wrapped in a blanket and shivering, and Taekwoon tries to look disdainful. He's been sick and his nose is running and everywhere in the dorm is too bright for his aching eyes. He's got the hood of his jacket pulled up and his socked feet are peeking out from the bottom of the blanket, toes curled against the hardwood floor.

Hakyeon crouches down in front of him and pushes back his hood, staring at him with concern. Taekwoon's bangs are falling into his angry eyes and he glares at Hakyeon, hitching the blanket higher up so it covers his nose. Hakyeon places a hand against Taekwoon's cheek and Taekwoon flinches away, closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall. Hakyeon hadn't turned the lights on in the room but it still made his head throb to focus his eyes.

He feels a soft hand gently easing his bangs away and settling against his forehead. He sighs and reaches a hand out to wrap around Hakyeon's wrist, holding it still. He cracks an eye open and stares at Hakyeon for a moment, seeing the worry tripping across his face and rasps out that he's fine. Hakyeon smiles unconvincingly and Taekwoon lets go of his wrist. He's shivering again, body tensed with the cold seeping in through his bones and Hakyeon settles himself next to Taekwoon on the floor.

Hakyeon presses himself close and Taekwoon lets him because Hakyeon is warm and blissfully quiet. He hasn't said a word since he entered the room and normally Taekwoon would be thankful that his ears are plugged and everything sounds fuzzy and distant but his head feels heavy and he can feel pressure pulsing behind his eyes. Hakyeon runs his hand up and down Taekwoon's arm through the blanket, trying to warm him up and eventually Taekwoon's shaking subsides.

They sit in silence and Hakyeon runs his fingers through Taekwoon's hair. Taekwoon had thought of shifting away, of dislodging the slender fingers brushing the hair at the back of his neck but Hakyeon's uncertainty was laced in every breath he let out. So Taekwoon lets him be, lets Hakyeon wrap his arms around him and pull him against his chest. He tries to sleep, tries to think of reasons why he should pull away so that Hakyeon doesn't get sick too, but mostly he just sits there sniffling weakly.

It's hours later when Wonsik peeks his head into the dark room and quietly mentions that dinner is ready, if they'd like any. Hakyeon lifts his head from where it was resting on Taekwoon's and thanks Wonsik softly but makes no move to get up. The thin strip of light from the hall slowly recedes and then disappears when the door closes with a soft click.

Taekwoon knows Hakyeon must be hungry, must be sore, must be tired, so he shuffles, gathering the blanket around him, and stands up on shaky legs. Hakyeon looks up at him in surprise and Taekwoon thrusts a hand out from the blanket, holding it out to Hakyeon. Hakyeon stares at it for a moment, as if he were confused, and Taekwoon shakes his hand in impatience. A small smile sprouts across Hakyeon's face and he grabs Taekwoon's hand, pulling himself up.

Taekwoon lets Hakyeon keep his hand, fingers laced and palms pressed together, and follows him almost blindly to the table. He feels something like longing stirring at the back of his mind when Hakyeon pulls his hand away when they reach the others. But Hakyeon's hands are still warm on Taekwoon's shoulders, carefully guiding Taekwoon down to sit in his chair.

Taekwoon goes to bed first, collapsing onto his futon while the others keep eating. The dorm is still mostly noiseless, the clinking of chopsticks against bowls the only sounds filtering past the door. Taekwoon thinks he's half asleep when someone tiptoes into the room and tucks the blanket around him. He feels a soft, warm hand brushing across his cheek before he dreams.

-

It's dark outside and Taekwoon sits himself in front of the window, headphones securely in his ears, and looks out at the city. All the lights are glittering below him and even in the quiet darkness there are people hurrying about, so much going on. This is one of the only times that he can really sit back and breathe and not have to be doing a hundred different things at once. For the most part, the others don't bother him when he's over here and lost in his own world.

He looks out at the buildings and wonders what it would be like if he'd never hurt his leg, never become a singer that stands in front of thousands of fans. He twists his ring back and forth on his finger, the ring he shares with five other boys, and he can't imagine that life. He's always striving to be a warm singer and he knows he's got a long way to go, lacking so much. He thinks of the others and their bright, uninhibited smiles and wonders how they accepted him so easily. He, who can't laugh like they do, who can't relay his feelings as freely as they can.

He thinks of Sanghyuk with his easy laughter and his childlike smiles and Hongbin with his steady resilience. He thinks of Wonsik with his strong affection and his fierce dedication to music and Jaehwan with his effortless humor. He thinks of Hakyeon and how hard he works to take care of them, to be a strong and fair leader, to take the burden of the world on his shoulders so that they won't have to bear it themselves.

He thinks of how Hakyeon makes sure that each of them know they are loved, that they mean something deep and special to him. And Taekwoon doesn't know how he does it, how he opens and bares his heart so readily, so shamelessly, when Taekwoon struggles to express himself clearly. He's grateful to the others, who don't try to change him, and to the fans who accept him as he is. But he can't help that it stings when he can't smile or laugh like his members do, can't open his mouth and speak without weighing the value of every word.

They all do it so simply, even when they're exhausted and they've been working nonstop, when they haven't seen their families for nearly a year and they're close to running on empty. Still, they do it all so simply. But nothing is simple to him, none of this comes naturally - he's not cute or funny or interesting.

All he can do is sing.

-

He likes to take hold of the silence and fill it up with his own sounds. It grates on his nerves when he can't control the noise, when it keeps on going even when he wants it to stop. But this way he can keep the silence or make it into something more. So he sings. He sings while he cooks dinner and he sings while he folds laundry. He sings so much that he thinks he sometimes even sings in his sleep.

He's singing with Jaehwan this time, as he washes his dish from lunch. Jaehwan is at the table, casually practicing his solo and searching for something on naver and Taekwoon can't help but follow along. He sings quietly, not sure if Jaehwan would appreciate him joining in but he figures it probably doesn't matter much either way.

He nods when Sanghyuk walks into the kitchen to grab a snack and he continues singing. Jaehwan sings for a while, fingers moving over the ipad calmly, not really putting his all into it because he's really just singing for fun right now. But Taekwoon's singing because the words tingle in his throat and push past his lips like they're the air he needs to breathe. He knows that if Jaehwan heard that he would understand, but there are a lot of things that Taekwoon can't bring himself to say.

-

Being an idol means being surrounded and touched by people all the time. It means stylists tugging at his clothes and make up artists touching his face. It means greeting other groups and having hosts poke at him to get a reaction. It means being hugged and teased and pressed up against the other members. And it means sharing his space with someone, many someones, all the time.

It's one thing to share a room with three other boys, futons lined up across the floor with hardly any space to walk, and another thing to have his personal bubble being constantly invaded. This is in part because there's no other room around them to hardly even move, and in part because his members are particularly affectionate people.

Sanghyuk likes to pull at his arm and hang over his shoulder. Hongbin likes to lay next to him and listen to music. Wonsik likes to sit in silence as they compose together. Jaehwan likes to be close, always just shy of making contact with him. And Hakyeon likes to put his arm around Taekwoon, tug at his hand, breathe in the same air.

Taekwoon doesn't need constant contact like Hakyeon does. He's fine with a pat on the back or the occasional brief hug. He's in close proximity with his group all the time so he doesn't need physical comfort from them. But Hakyeon does. Hakyeon needs to know that they need him, that he can help them. He needs them to know that he's always around to help, so he's loud and close and clingy. Taekwoon thinks that Hakyeon's insecure, that he's afraid of everyone leaving him, of no one needing him anymore. He watches the other boy latch himself onto everyone, butting into their space and turning everything upside down.

Taekwoon likes to choose for himself when to let other people into his space. It's hard when there's people like Hakyeon who push their way in but he's thankful for the other boy. Hakyeon never asks for permission with words but he asks in the way his fingers hesitantly close around Taekwoon's wrist. He asks in the way he hovers behind Taekwoon when Taekwoon is angry. Hakyeon can't help it when they're on camera - he doesn't have the luxury of time to decode Taekwoon's movements, so he grabs Taekwoon, dragging him into their activities, hugging Taekwoon's arm against his chest and pretends as if he doesn't know how it irritates Taekwoon.

He can't really blame Hakyeon; when they're in front of the camera they have images to uphold. But after all the motion, after the never ending stream of pulling and tugging and bowing and hands clapping shoulders, Taekwoon wants to keep to himself. He wants to be the only one in his skin, and not sharing his space with at least ten other people.

Taekwoon has no place of his own to hide, where no one will find him. Jaehwan has his little hideout in the closet and Hakyeon has the dance studio. Taekwoon used to keep to the practice rooms at the studio and he'd sing for hours in the cramped room but after too many times of falling asleep with no one knowing where he was, he was banned from going there after hours.

But Hakyeon understands him. When the others get too rowdy, too playful, too touchy, Hakyeon reigns them in and redirects them. On camera, Hakyeon is almost overbearing but in private he allows Taekwoon to keep his space, to keep to the infinity in his head and float away for the few precious hours he has. Taekwoon has a million universes in his head and Hakyeon always waits until he invites him in.

-

Dance practice is always the most difficult. They have long, hard hours and by the end they're always completely exhausted. There's something draining about the endless repetition of the same dance, the same move, for so long that they lose their concept of time.

Hongbin, Jaehwan, and Sanghyuk had left after their choreographer had, jumping at the chance to go out to eat and play around for a while. But Taekwoon had stayed back with Wonsik and Hakyeon to practice more. Taekwoon's speciality is his singing, so he knows he has to work more. He'll never be like Hakyeon, he knows that, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't pick up his own slack.

Taekwoon and Hakyeon are running through the whole dance while Wonsik practices his part during the rap. He asks Hakyeon for help with one of the moves and Taekwoon thinks it's strange but he keeps practicing on his own. Wonsik is a good dancer, almost as good as Hakyeon, but there's something about the older boy that makes him special.

Hakyeon demonstrates the move a little differently than they were taught and explains to Wonsik that he needs to put his own flair in it. Taekwoon takes a break, leaning against one of the walls and watches as the other two run through the same part. They turn to face the mirror and Taekwoon watches Hakyeon through it, watches Hakyeon's serious face as he demonstrates it over and over again for Wonsik. The other boy follows along just as earnestly and Taekwoon pushes his bangs back off his forehead.

Hakyeon's body moves so fluidly as he runs through the choreography, as if were dancing without the force of gravity weighing him down. And he finds that, even after all this time, he can't take his eyes off him, Hakyeon, who dances like the music is his heartbeat. Taekwoon feels something rupture in his chest and his breath stutters for a beat and then Hakyeon is turning around and walking over to where he is.

Hakyeon collapses next to him, complaining loudly of how sore his back is and whining about how Taekwoon should massage it for him. Taekwoon wordlessly takes him by the shoulders and turns him, fingers moving to press into the knots in Hakyeon's shoulders. The other boy makes a small sound of surprise and Taekwoon feels the stirrings of satisfaction settling in his stomach at catching the impulsive Cha Hakyeon off guard.

-

It's draining to be around so many people all the time. With all the noise and the activity going on all the time it's hard for Taekwoon to keep his head in order. The members are out in the living room, crowded around the television, watching a movie and shouting to each other. But Taekwoon is in his shared room, headphones in and eyes trained on his laptop. He can't take the noise today, the flurry of action going on outside the closed door, so he's hiding away in the best way he can.

They'd had three different schedules, must have met hundreds of different people, and still they all have the energy to laugh and be around each other. Taekwoon cares for them but they're too much for him to handle right now. He just needs to be alone. He needs to be able to gather himself and be surrounded by only his thoughts for the first time in he doesn't know how long.

Several hours later, the others have finished their movie and collapsed in various areas around the dorm. The lights are all off, the television is silent, and everyone is asleep. Still, Taekwoon is still feeling in need of seclusion and there are people in every one of the limited rooms. He gathers his blankets and heads to the one room where he can be alone.

Hakyeon finds him some time later, unplugged headphones softly blocking out the silence, head lolled against the wall. Taekwoon wakes up at the faint click of the door opening, mind still hypersensitive to the presence of others and blinks grumpily up at the other boy. Hakyeon looks relieved to see him but Taekwoon's sleep fogged mind can't make sense of it.

He's laid out in the tub in the bathroom, blankets cushioned all around him and he'd thought he'd had the door locked but it would appear he was wrong. Everyone else was supposed to be asleep, he was supposed to be asleep right now, but Hakyeon had opened the door and woken him up.

"What are you doing in here?" Hakyeon asks, voice incredulous.

"What are you doing here?" Taekwoon grumbles back, because he's tired and they have to wake up in a few short hours.

"I was looking for you," Hakyeon replies. Taekwoon blinks at him because why would Hakyeon do that?

"Why?"

"Because I woke up and I didn't know where you were."

Taekwoon is still half asleep and his mind is reeling but Hakyeon's face is serious and he's staring Taekwoon in the eyes sincerely and, for once, it makes Taekwoon look away first. It feels like a surrender.

After a minute Hakyeon asks, "why are you sleeping in the bathroom?"

Taekwoon settles himself further into the blankets and stares at the shower head. "Because I needed to be away from everyone."

He's not looking at Hakyeon but he can almost feel the way that Hakyeon tenses up. Taekwoon anticipates the question before it even leaves Hakyeon's lips.

"Oh," he says faintly. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No."

Hakyeon closes the door and kneels down next to the tub slowly.

"Are you okay?"

Taekwoon doesn't answer. He plays with the cord of his headphones and pretends he didn't hear him. The vent fan hums in the background, filling up the empty space between the words.

"Takewoon,"

He refuses to look at Hakyeon.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon says a bit more forcefully and Taekwoon nods this time.

Hakyeon lays his hand over Taekwoon's and stares at him hard. Taekwoon meets his eyes finally and acid burns in his throat. He wants Hakyeon to crawl into the tub and lay next to him. He wants to fall asleep, breathing in Hakyeon. But instead he just stares until Hakyeon brings his other hand up and lays it against the side of Taekwoon's neck.

"You don't have to hide things from me, Jung Taekwoon," he says gently. And Taekwoon looks away because if he doesn't he may end up asking Hakyeon to do something that might ruin what they have between them, this easy friendship. Friendship that shouldn't be as easy as it is between two people like them.

Hakyeon ends up crawling into the tub of his own volition, and it's a tight fit, they're two grown boys with limbs almost longer than they can handle. But after a bit of maneuvering Hakyeon settles his head against Taekwoon's chest. Their legs are tangled together and Hakyeon has a hand nestled against Taekwoon's stomach, drawing patterns in the folds of his shirt. Taekwoon counts the number of tiles on the wall, hums a slow ballad as he brings his hand up to rest against the top of Hakyeon's head. He doesn't stop humming until Hakyeon's body has completely relaxed against his, his breathing deep and then he runs his fingers through Hakyeon's hair and thinks.

He's suddenly reminded of the question about his ideal type all that time ago and thinks back to his answer. Hakyeon is not at all like a person he thought he might like; he's loud and invasive and too close all the time. But he's thoughtful of everyone and he creates this feeling of security that he carries around with him and wraps around others like a blanket.

The first time they met, Hakyeon had asked to help him with stretches. Taekwoon still doesn't understand how Hakyeon could gather up the self confidence to ask a complete stranger something like that and at the time he'd been so burdened by it that he'd reluctantly accepted. It feels like Hakyeon's hardly left his side since that day, the two of them striving hard together next to each other as they struggled to debut and then to keep going. As the oldest two, it's their responsibility to look over the rest of the other members and - Taekwoon wouldn't admit it out loud but - he's proud of Hakyeon for how well he's led their team.

Honestly, he and Hakyeon shouldn't even get along. They're complete opposites in all the obvious ways and sometimes Taekwoon thinks the other members don't even understand it; he's not entirely sure he always understands it. But he and Hakyeon connect when it comes to the important things and Taekwoon knows he can rely on Hakyeon as a constant pillar of support and care. He hopes that Hakyeon expects the same of him.

Taekwoon sighs and rests his cheek against the top of Hakyeon's head. He wraps his arms around Hakyeon gently, careful not to wake him and wonders when he started feeling this way. Hakyeon had bounded into his life completely unannounced and attached himself to Taekwoon unceremoniously. Somewhere along the line Hakyeon had become a precious friend, his heart's friend, and Taekwoon now looks to him as a source of strength. In the process of chasing his dreams he had gained a lifelong friend.

Taekwoon can feel Hakyeon bury his face against his neck and wonders if he hadn't always felt like this.

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to my sun, moon, and stars. This series is possibly the most personal set of stories I've written/ever will write. Um. This Taekwoon is very precious to me. There will be a second and third (and maybe possibly more???) installment that will be uploaded soon. (also i'm in the process of uploading things to my lj for the next few days so they'll be mirrored here as well - even though this and repose were both there a while ago orz)


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